To the woman who looks like a cross between Kathy Nagimy in Hocus Pocus and Hatchetface from Cry-Baby (that Johnny Depp movie that used to play on VH1):

Hi. Hello. I am your waitress and I am taking your order and bringing you your drinks and your food. No, I did not claim at 5 years of age that this is what I wanted to be when I grew up and believe me...I still don't, but here I am bringing you your mayonnaise, an extra slice of tomato, a side of ICE for your Merlot (what?), oh, of course, a clean napkin, I'm sorry, you actually didn't ask for baby spinach instead of romaine, but I'll take it back and have that fixed. I know, I hate it when they skimp on the dressing too. Oh dear, there's too much rum in your MOJITO! Your table is wobbly? The food has taken over ten minutes to appear?? You have to use the restroom but someone else is in there??? OH MY GOD! Guess what? I don't care how shitty that stupid calamari is, at least you had the luxury of ORDERING IT. Also, it's gonna take me a little while, like maybe over 3 minutes, to make your stupid mojito. I have to muddle all that shit together, so shut up about how long it's taking you crazy bitch, you're only paying $4 for a cocktail...in NEW YORK CITY. And what's more, I haven't said anything mean to you! And let's be honest, THERE ARE SO MANY AWFUL THINGS I COULD SAY TO YOU. In actuality, I've smiled and brought you every single one of your 89 requests. I've told you jokes. I've tried to relate to your "diet" woes (even as you shove buttery garlic bread into your stupid mouth.) I've told you your necklace is pretty (even though it's made of varnished cardboard and bought circa 1989 from a craft fair in Massachusetts.) And still, you have the f'ing nerve to tip me *TEN PERCENT* (see note below). Are you joking? Do you know, DO. YOU. KNOW. that I get paid an hourly wage of four dollars?? FOUR DOLLARS??? Get it together lady, that's just bad karma.

No wonder you're so fat and ugly.

Brittany your Waitress

* Tip your servers at least 20%, yes, TWENTY PERCENT, unless, for some reason, they are awful Hatchetfaced buttholes who refuse to offer you good service. It's most likely NOT your waiter's fault that the food is taking awhile, it's the jerks in the kitchen.


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