It's rare to find yourself alone in a giant movie theater. I suppose, outside of your own apartment, it's rare to find yourself alone anywhere in New York and this is why I found it so peculiar to be in the situation this evening. Alright, I'm explaining this badly already. I was alone in this theater for about 15 minutes watching The Twenty (love Regal Cinemas) when a few people straggled in bringing the attendance of the 9:30 showing of State of Play to a whopping 5 in a theater capable of seating, at least, a couple hundred. Now, here's a question for ya. When there are 195 seats available to choose from, why IN THE HELL would you sit ONE SEAT away from me? No joke. Yes, I had positioned myself in a prime spot, the perfect number of rows back, right in the middle, but c'mon, I was the first person there and, as the early bird, I was entitled to the best seat in the house AND a row to MYSELF. Ugh. It gets better. This was one of those fancy theaters that has two rows of leather chairs with every two seats separated by a table with cup holders (if I could draw it for you I would). Well, this man sat on the other side of MY DAMN TABLE, so really, he wasn't even a true seat way from me. We were sharing a table, MY table, where I had already positioned my popcorn and Buncha Crunch, which I promptly removed in protest. But wait. The butthole then proceeded to TAKE OFF HIS SHOES, again I am NOT kidding, sigh like he was in his own damn living room and make himself just as comfortable as he could, all the time, in MY space. Tacky. Just tacky. He spent the entirety of the previews commenting about the speed of the credits and how it's unfair that he can't read fast enough to catch who's in which upcoming flick and he ate SO MANY wint-o-green lifesavers I'm surprised his mouth didn't corrode to mush. Luckily, I found the movie enjoyable enough to forget about the dumb dumb next to me for most of it, but I'm sure the loathing energy seeping off of me every time I heard him unwrap a mint was palpable.
So, I'm stating for the record, the etiquette for sparsely attended movies everywhere:
1.If there are enough rows to go around, each individual or couple gets their OWN.
2.If there are not enough rows, at least 5 seats should be kept between each individual or couple and the next.
3.Do NOT, under any circumstances, take off your shoes in the theater.
4.If you must eat candy during the movie, make sure it's not something as powerfully odored as wintergreen and unwrap your damn mints BEFORE the movie starts.
And finally, if you are the freak of nature that infiltrated my personal bubble tonight, you can go to hell, that was MY table and MY row.
Oh yeah, and it's been raining buckets here for a week straight and I am just in a STATE over it. Again and finally, I am NOT joking.
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