On Turning 35

Hello...? Hello? Are you there? It’s me? I’ve been thinking about my blog lately. A few times a year, the mood strikes and I either ignore it or sign in, write a post, publish it, feel really excited and motivated about posting regularly again and then forget about it for another 8 months. But I’m having the urge so here I am. Also, blogger just happened to email me asking if I still want notifications when people comment on my blog and I was like, ummm YES duh. Synchronicity man, it’s a real thing.

Here are some things I have been thinking and wanting to talk about:

1. I am turning 35 in a month. I have never been one to fret about getting older. I’ve wanted to be an adult since I was 4 years old but 35... I don’t know, it feels different. Significant. It’s a realllll birthday. I’m a real 35 year old adult. Now I have no excuse but to be a real person who achieves things. Which is great and exciting but also a little mortifying (what if I DON’T achieve things) and terrifying (what if I’m 70 and I STILL haven’t achieved anything) but mostly exhilarating (I AM GOING TO ACHIEVE IT ALL.)

2. I go through phases of ordering too much delivery food and begin to worry my neighbors are judging me. Then I have to sit on my couch, stare at Postmates before I hit 'confirm order' and recite this internal dialogue, “It doesn’t matter what other people think of you, you can have delivery food if you want delivery food. Your neighbors aren't judging you. You're judging yourself. Give yourself permission. You deserve it." It's exhausting. (I'm currently waiting for an acai bowl to be delivered and I'm very nervous.)

3. I took a break from Instagram this summer. For about 3 weeks I felt calmer. I felt heavier, in a good way, like I was actually attached to something real, even if it was just my sofa or bed, the floor. Does that make sense? I was very present. When I downloaded it and started to story again, yes, it was thrilling, but now I walk around with a feeling of wanting. Like I have a deep desire for something and I have no idea what it is. I cannot be satiated by anything and I cannot figure out why or what or how. It’s an addiction. I’m not saying anything that hasn't been said before, but the way I (and we) talk about our phones and social media is the same way a smoker or a heroin addict talk about their drugs. Think about it. I find myself at a loss for a solution to my problem because, as someone who wants a career basically structured around my writing and comedy and what I have to say, Instagram seems like an important tool, but is it really? I don’t know. I mean, for now though, I’m staying on it. My name is Brittany, I’m addicted to social media.

4. I’m doing a 90 Challenge that I will actually complete because that is something I do as a 35 year old adult woman. And also the more I talk about it, the more accountable I feel that I'm being held.

Anyway, thanks for reading, Jess Baker. It’s fun to get back here and post something that I know you’ll look at. Maybe I’ll do it regularly? Who knows, I’m 35.