This is Practice.

I’ve recently started a yoga practice.  It involves waking up, lying in my bed, staring at my ceiling and thinking, “I should do yoga today.” Promptly following that thought, I pick up my phone and I scroll through Instagram for an hour. Then I get up and I make coffee and I sit right back down to stare at the Internet on my computer and on my phone simultaneously. Forty-five minutes into that routine, I generally despise myself enough to (4 out of 10 times) actually find a yoga video on YouTube and do it.

I want to understand yoga. I want to get it. I want to like it. And I want to be good at it. It seems like SUCH a relief to be that in touch with your arms and legs and toes. To have that control and discipline. I’m not very good at discipline.  I am very, very good at relaxing. And VERY, VERY good at procrastinating.

Procrastination is making me sick I think. Maybe it is a lack of Vitamin B12, there's no way of knowing, but I've been feeling so eh. Ehhhh. Like I need to crawl out of my skin, rinse everything and put myself back together. Have a fresh start. (But I feel like I've had so many.) Last night I experienced one of those out-of-body experiences where I find myself staring at a person, really staring and thinking, "That's what you look like, standing there, that's your whole entire body. What do I look like to you? If you were looking over here staring at me? What do I look like in 3D?" It's this annoying and sometimes frightening notion that washes over me every now and again, "Why can't I walk out of my body and into yours. I'm just stuck in here?!" It used to really get to me, really really bother me when I was younger. I'm surprised it doesn't come up in my therapy more often but I suppose it's because it's really folded up in my brain. I think maybe that's the sickness. There's so many things folded up that I desperately need to take down and shake out but I'm so in the habit of starting to do that... and then sleeping. Maybe I've been depressed.

Probably I've just been lazy.

My goal this year has been to be kind to myself. And I have definitely done that and I am absolutely happier and more peaceful. It's nice. A personal revolution. A, you guessed it, fresh start. But I've also accepted a lot of excuses to avoid taking things off the shelf for some dusting and this is why I still cannot get into pigeon pose without feeling like, "WHAT AM I DOING I SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS MUSCLES ARE RIPPING." It's why I can't spread my toes fully on the mat or quiet my mind and really be present and in my body. It's why I have ten blog posts floating around in my mind and not on my blog. It's most likely why I feel sick. I need to purge.

It is astounding to watch myself resist doing the things that I know will make me feel the best: writing and yoga. I will do anything to avoid them including gathering up all the dried flowers in my house to make a hanging dried flower wall installation I saw on Pinterest (I took down my vision board and now have an empty wall that I need to fill). I almost ordered some sewing patterns from Etsy but then I was like, who's watched my Story so I opened Instagram.  I listened to The War of Art. I stared at my ceiling. I took a bath.

I stared at my Instagram. I stared at my Instagram. I stared at my Instagram.

I've done so much staring and so much avoiding that at this point the only thing left to do is just actually get to work. It's taken me HOURS to write this and I'm still struggling with some weird out-of-body residue. Like part of me has been floating above my head all day, looking down screaming, "jusssssst getttt to workkkk." Maybe it's why I look at Instagram so much, it's relieving that itch to watch myself from the outside...but...let's get real...it's really just the easiest way to avoid the work.

I just took off my yoga pants. Today was not one of the 4 out of 10 where I accomplished a meaningful shavasana. I am no closer to a better mind/body cohesiveness. I'm not in touch with my toes. BUT! I did practice. Look! I did. I smoothed out at least one of the folds and surprise! I feel better. Lighter. Accomplished. Relieved.

Finally.