Standing Still.

Over the past several months, I'd estimate I've taken somewhere around 300 baths, because yes, on somedays, I took two. I shouldn't admit this, considering California is in the middle of a crippling drought, but honestly, I've been in a bit of a drought myself and if I'm going to be in fighting form (for, ya know, battling a drought?) I needed those baths.

Last year was a tough year. I spent the first half of it at the bottom of that pit of personal despair we all (at least I think we all) find ourselves sitting in at some point in our lives. The point when we're wondering if we should give up and move home or work on a farm in Montana or beg a man to marry us and then have a baby to at least give us something for which to live. That summer I took a much needed break and went home for a week where I saw a psychic I'd seen when I was 17 who told me I'd end up on the West Coast at some point and I didn't believe her but look at me now. She assured me that everything was okay and that my grandma is watching over me and I felt better and came back to LA feeling mostly revived. But eventually the darkness crept in again and I found myself clawing onto the sides of that deep dark well and clinging to any bit of hope I had before I fell back down to the bottom. That's when I went to New York. I hadn't been back in exactly two years and the moment I touched down, was the moment I started to miss it more than I had since I moved. Is this where I should be? Should I give up my life in LA? Look back on those 3 years as a blip on the radar and get on with where my real life is supposed to be taking place? At the end of my week there, I saw an astrologer. I'd always wanted to and my dear friend Liz generously got me a session with her trusted guy and so I went. (Seeking New Age answers for my life crises is a habit I will probably never give up and one that brings me much comfort.) I went into this session expecting to come out renewed and full of life like I had that summer after seeing my psychic. But that's not what happened. Astrology is much more calculated. It's not as much about feeling. And it involves realistic time and dates. He described to me what my last year had been like, that he could see how dark and sad it was and that I had his sympathies. He told me he wished he could tell me things were about to turn around but that he really didn't see that happening until August of 2015 (at the time, it was October 2014) and that I'd pretty much be in the dark until then. My heart sank. This is not at all what I'd wanted to hear. He went onto explain though, that there are ways to be in the dark. That being in the dark is only as frustrating as you make it. This is information I didn't fully understand until a few months later when I listened to the recording of our session again and a lightbulb went off...this will only be as frustrating as I make it.

And so I let myself off the hook. 

I stopped fretting about my agents never calling me. I gave up being upset about not auditioning enough. I didn't feel like writing so I didn't write. I wanted to take some baths AND SO I DID. And finally, I felt some relief. This year has been about letting go. It's been about standing still. And it's been about learning how to wait. And waiting sucks. But really only as much as you choose to let it suck. This week has seen me sliding back down into the bottom of that pit and so I thought I'd maybe try this blog space again. At least as a spot to start moving a bit because I think I've learned what I needed from my stillness. Move when you're ready. Wiggle your fingers as you're coming out of Savasana. Oh and also, let it rain. Because California certainly needs some relief from her drought as well. 

Thanks for reading.  


Fro said…
great post, BooBoo. Love the honesty. It really is freeing...
Laura Larson said…
Dahhhhling! Glad to see you writing in the blog again! Makes me feel connected to you even though we are many miles apart. Keep letting yourself off the hook, I have to remind myself of this after beating myself up. Keep writing, I look forward to more posts! Love, laura
nicole said…
I really loved this! Like Laura said, it's awesome that you're writing/ blogging again! Hang in there...honestly I feel you 100% on this. I'm trying to remember to be forgiving - of others, yes - but mostly of myself. Sometimes taking best care of ourselves is letting ourselves be in a dark place. Don't they say something about be the light in the dark or you cant have rainbows without rain...I suppose it's all BS, but it's nice to think about sometime (especially since I think that rainbows quote is from Dolly Parton and she's pure magic). Sending you lots of love and now wishing that I had a spiritual advisor ;) xo

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