Are you f'ing kidding me?
Let's be honest. Strange and annoying shit happens here ALL THE TIME. All the time. Because of the sheer magnitude of these occurrences though, I think most of the strange shit goes unnoticed or ignored. It is sad but true. There are so many days that I sit in front of my computer, racking my brain for a weird New York story to write about. Unfortunately, many of them have faded away. In the back of my mind, there's now a distant pile of memories where hobos are pooping in corners and people are walking their cats on leashes. (Oh how I wish I could recall the terror on the face of every cat I've seen on a leash.) On some happy occasions though, strange shit walks up behind you, taps you on the shoulder and demands your attention. I'll share with you one of these recent gifts.
A few nights ago, after a long day of really mind numbing work and an awesome bike ride (yes, I finally got a bike!), I decided to stop at the gelato counter in Whole Foods for a treat. They do a really stand-up job with their gelato display, anything with chunks of ingredients on it (pieces of cake, coffee beans, blueberries, etc) and I'm pretty much sold. On this particular night, I decided I was in the mood for something refreshing and ordered, "One scoop of Lemon Poppyseed and one of the Wild Blueberry, please." No sooner had the order escaped my lips that from behind me I heard,
"I can't believe you're doing that..."
In all honesty, I should really film myself reenacting this story because this woman's voice is half of the fun, but alas, I'm still in my pajamas and you DON'T want to see what's happening here. Just imagine what a bossy mouse with emphysema would sound like and you've got a pretty good idea of the ring to this lady's voice. Anyway.
I turned around to face a woman wearing a Fedora and a trench coat. She looked me up and down and I gave her my "ummmm, what is your deal?" face and replied, "What do you mean?" At this point I was trying to figure out if she was asking me this because 1.she thinks I'm in NO shape to be eating gelato or 2. that I'm in such gooood shape she can't believe I eat gelato sometimes...I'm going with option 2.
"It just seems like such an indulgence," she said and then added a dramatic pause and a bird-like side glance where I began to wonder if she was going to stab or bite me. Bewildered, I replied, "Well, I guess it is...?" I turned the statement into a question as I was thoroughly confused as to what in the hell was actually going on and then I added, "You should get some too."
"NO, I couldn't, it's not on my diet plan," she proudly remarked. Then two things happened: I launched into my "Why are you on a diet, you're so skinny" speech AND I looked down to notice the cookie in the crazy bitch's hand.
We shared another awkward pause.
Out of what I'm going to assume was shame, she quickly tossed her cookie in her bag and started muttering about how free samples don't count against your diet, it's only when you pay for them that the calories mean something, then she shot me an accusatory look. It's safe to assume that my mouth was open and my head was cocked in the "what the fuck kinda crazy slapped you this morning" position because when I looked at the girl behind the counter she'd struck the same pose. We shared a moment like you do when, even though you know you're half insane yourself, someone else is acting crazier and it helps to acknowledge these instances with another human being, just to confirm they're really happening.
"Well," I started, "Umm, you could have a free sample I'm sure..."
This excited her. She thought about it. Long enough for me to pay and for the girl behind the counter to start packing up my gelato.
"Oh no, I don't need a bag, thanks," I said.
"YOU'RE GOING TO EAT IT NOW?????" The bossy mouse shouted from behind me.
If I'd been functioning at my highest intelligence, I'm sure I would have remarked with something sassy like, "No bitch, I'm going to stand here and watch it melt while you and I discuss how anorexia makes you feel more in control of your life," but instead I lashed out with a "Yes! Yes! I'm going to eat it now." I must have been feeling vulnerable because I let out a "Gahhh, leave me alone" sigh and left immediately.
I walked out of Whole Foods shaking my head and jamming my gelato into my mouth with their TINY plastic shovel things and thanked the stars that I finally had SOMETHING to blog about. And also that I wasn't the poor girl behind the counter who was probably still having to feed the bossy mouse samples of gelato and then watch her spit them into her bag... Oh, I just chuckled picturing that. Have a nice weekend!
*If that is your picture up there and you happen upon it here, I am sorry to not give you credit, I found it on a Google image search :)